Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
