he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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