All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
