so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
