sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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