Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize