we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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