Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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