He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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