while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
