omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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