I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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