Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
