I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
