I'm so fucking centered right now
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
do nipples grow back?
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