Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize