I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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