we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
