If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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