This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
