I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
