I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Terrible idea I love it
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
