Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
