Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
