I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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