we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
