I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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