I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my being single is dangerous.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
