Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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