i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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