tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
