My underwear smells like fireworks.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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