i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
