i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
