I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
