I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
