so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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