The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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