Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
