He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
