my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
