I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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