I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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