Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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