When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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