end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
