I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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