My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
