yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
