i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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