he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
