Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i've created a new STD.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
