Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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