you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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