There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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