I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
