found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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