dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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