i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
