The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
