Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Randomize
